Feelings Of Self And God

Still having problems accepting that my life belongs to God. I battle each and every day with feelings of despair with my self and confusion towards God. I'm still in the "I" moment and know that it continues to drag me down emotionally and spiritually. I continue to put up great goals and hope but fail to turn these totally over to God. All of this only puts me in a depressed state.
I've noticed signs from Him, but I continue to ignore them,each time it only causes me greater loss of hope in myself. If only I could totally give myself fully to Him.

Today I'm battling the depression of losing my backpack and finding out that a place I still hang out (bar) has double charged me on my debt card. Both of these could have been adverted had I just listened to what the voice was telling me. It now may put my recent business ventures in jeopardy, all because I didn't have the strength to do the right thing.

I've been fortunate to be blessed with a family who truely cares and is currently providing a roof, love, and food, while I'm trying to stumble through this time of confusion and loss of faith.

I recently had a talk with one of the pastors at K2 The Church and he I both agree that I binge, not only with my drinking but also with God. This is something that I'm trying to watch and control. I don't want to go all out with God and this is what I'm struggling with, how do I take and give in moderation?

Getting Back

The battle of leaving my life in the hands of the Lord has been difficult. But the way I've headed it is time to get down to business. My health is doing good but I'm really missing something and I'm sure it is Him who has been knocking on my heart lately. Just coming back here to the blog and see what he had done for me before and listening to the songs has struck me. I'm going to try and wake up each day with Him on my mind the first thing.

Thanks for all of the prayers and I look forward to coming back here more often to let you know how we (God and I) are doing.

A Grateful Day

Not much to really write about today, I'm just grateful for another day and it brings a song to mind from Paul Cardall. The singer in this song is a friend from Salt Lake City a place I certainly miss at this time.

Walking Back Into The Light

It has been sometime since a post and many pains in my life. I went from going down His path to questioning why I was even doing it.

The past few months saw me fighting a disease called cancer. I had a brain tumor removed 3 months ago and went through the awful chemo treatments. Now my body is starting to recover and return to being somewhat normal. Throughout all of this it brought me to question where He was, is, and why He wasn't doing anything to get me through it.

Well it just made me tougher and more understanding. Yea, He had a plan for this sickness and now I'm starting to see the light once again. It is taking some time to get back into the swing of doing it His way rather than mine, but it sure feels better to know that someone else is taking care of me. He knows that I sure can mess it up when I become stubborn and want to do it my way.

I'll be here in Michigan for another couple of months going through PT and hope to be back in Utah by the end of May. I sure really miss the mountains. I've begun to work on a new service project that will be designed to help the less fortunate in Utah, Helping Soles. Keep and eye on the site and here for further updates and please if you have any input let me know.

If you've never been here before I want to let you know I love my music and try to give you a new video or music link each posting. Today I have a great little site that has some of the fastest upcoming Christian artists available, IndieHeaven.com.

Been a Long Time, Long Time!!

Still hangin in there and trying stay with it. Its been really tough trying to stay healthy physically and spiritually. I've been back on the hill for awhile and still trying to keep my health problems in control. The bills were only just mounting up and my mental state was taking a huge dip. I've still hung in there with Our Father but it has been tough to. There are days I just want to give it all up (more like hours).

I'm working with a friend from K2 The Church doing eBay listings and just opened up my own eBay store, iAuction Depot, this week. Not much for sales yet, but I will continue to Pray that this will be what God wishes me to do. The work brings me joy while also trying my patience.

Tonight Romans 12:2 is working on me and I really need to bring it closer to me. Just not conforming to what is going on in this world is really tough, but hey living outside, I guess, is not conforming. Right?

Hope everyone had a Happy Thanksgiving and see you soon.

Tree63 Finally

During my many searches for new christian music to replace my old music I started to listen and respect Tree63 and on Sept 8th they will make an appearance here in Salt Lake. It has been a long time for a concert and I look forward to attending this one. I've even invited some of my old concert friends to attend this new way of music for me and hope it will elevate them into bringing God closer to them.

"Look What You've Done For Me"

Struggles Continue But God Smoothes It Out

Yea, the struggles continue and no one said it would be a bowl of cherries. The ups and downs of the depression can some time really take a toll on ones soul, heart, thinking, mental and physical capabilities. But yet I still haven't walked away from our Lord. Yea, I've had my doubts and feeling misled, but these were not from Him but only that ugly demon who continues to try us all at sometime or another.

The work with Frank and his eBay company has been great and I still continue on with it. He and his family have been very loving, caring and understanding individuals and I truly love them for this. This has been my longest job in over 5 years now and it is just awesome.

I will still try once again to keep this blog updated more along with my learning of our great LORD.

My video today is not music but one from K2 The Church and Andy Marshall who has really helped show me the right path and this video hits exactly what is going through my head. WORRY!

Still At It

Well it has been a long, long time since my last post and a ton has happened. I've been still working doing research and listings for a freight salvage company on eBay. This has kept me very busy for the last few months. I've also been having quite a battle with the diabetes, going in and out of the hospital with seizures about once a week for the past 2 months. God still continues to be my main stay in life. I'm working on a new website for Christians here in Utah to get together and enjoy outdoor recreation and share their views on Christ.The format will be similar to My Space, where individuals can share videos, audio and photos. It will also have blog capabilities.

A young kid at K2 The Church was featured in the Salt Lake Tribune. Andy is a awesome musician, and I foresee him going along ways with the God given talent. Here is a video of Andy.


Once again I will try to be more consistant at this blog.

The Battle

Yea, been a few weeks here of just fighting it out. No, that evil person isn't winning, it is, and always will be, Jesus! This battle of depression has gotten me down for a few days, but will not overcome the power of our Lord.

Back to James, this book is just awesome. The bible study I'm in wanted me to read straight through it, then go back for the studies. Well heck, I couldn't make it within 4 days. I kept on stopping and reflecting every couple of verses. Oh yea, it is powerful (or is it He is powerful).

This weekend is going to be great! Can you believe that this guy gave His blood for us?

I had a discussion last night with this girl who said, "Yea, I'm going to heaven because I've been good." When I explained to her how and why, she just was awed. She thanked me for bringing this to light and said, "Its time for me to get back with my friend." Oh YEA!

Have you hugged Jesus today?

It has been a couple weeks of NCAA basketball and everyone was yelling, clapping, raising there arms with great joy. Well, I was doing this, and our team kept on getting stronger. Every time we hit the floor, the opponent took off running for the door. Oh by the way, that photo is of Steele Croswhite, a real huge fan of the team.

Well its baseball time and last Sunday our Pastor, Dave, was just blessed with a real powerful hit. "Rock Bands and Rasin' Hands" just made everyone want to get up a yell for their favorite. This lady setting a couple of seats over, just reached over and grabbed and said, "Woooo, this is just awesome!" It was her first time at K2 and I'm sure she'll be back with others.

Well haven't gave out a tune for awhile so here it goes. It goes out to a real tough player in the Word. Mike, just came out of surgery yesterday from a ripped Achilles tendon. Yea, he's not the real singer here, but they really did a great job of putting this video together. YouTube's download leaves some to desire, because of the sync, but David Crowder thought it was good enough to put it up during one of their gigs on the big screen.



Huge Detroit Tiger Fan letting everyone know who the real coach is. (Dave, K2 pastor)

Still Working At It

Yea, its been a while since my last post and it has been a tough one. I've really been battling depression the last few days and today was one of the few that I could actually crawl out of bed. The last few days I've just been sleeping. Last night I made it out for a bible study that I began on the book of James. This in itself was God's way of re-establishing himself into the light and it made me feel better.

Since moving from the streets my life has been on a fast and rapid pace, which I'm not use to. It really was such a shock to my system. The first few weeks was like riding on a cloud then it burst and all things came tumbling down around me. The responsablities and trying to adjust to life of having a roof over my head started to present challenges I wasn't ready to handle, but today I've begun to struggle forward and most importantly getting back to God and not just doing the old pitty party routine.

I'll be working on journaling more here and hope to hear more from everyone out there.

The Faith and Love

Well some good news earlier about our friend Micha. He has been extended his stay with us all, and a new liver is on its way for a transplant late last night. It really goes to show us all that through strong faith and prayer that miracles do happen.

I got a few photos recently of the Valentines dinner that was served for the homeless women here in Salt Lake City. It sure was great to see the smiles on the 30 plus women that night and for the prayers that were given. It was an awesome evening.

Grace With Confusion

Well yea, I'm running around and still confused. Not homeless anymore just a whole different life. Not use ta the people coming up and say "Hi". Oh well just Love It.

I went to what they call the "Crash Course" (Crash=Rhinoceros) it's going to be fast and furious. The fire has just got a flicker of what will BE! Hey, He is Great and those of us who serve Him have only just begun. I can't imagine what will happen in the next few weeks.

Have you ever just imagined like the old school of John Lennon?

Hey, that was good, but did he ever realize what the imagination was all about?

I'm not trying to tell you all that it's just peaches and cream, or a bowl of cherries.

No!

But this cool wave is just rolling and I pray that those on the street tonight will remain warm and nourished by through the works of God.

Just got an email from a house of God I once attended, and a friend name Micha is not doing well. You see, he had a organ transplant just about a year ago and, well, he has really touched many people out here, including me. Please pray for our brother Micah.

The email.


Dear Saints,

This email comes with a heavy heart. It's about 3 PM on Friday and Jeanne McInroy just sent this to me concerning our dear friend Micah Coleman -- a friend and member of The Rock Church for years -- who underwent a liver transplant a little over a year ago. As you may know, he has been in and out of the hospital since that time. He's not doing well. His faith may become sight today.

From Jeanne:
"Please pray...I just got a phone call informing me that our dear Micah's lungs are filling with fluid faster than the doctors can pump it out. He has only hours, if not just minutes, left to live. Pray for peace and comfort for Micah as God takes him home. Pray also for Becky, Micah's mom, and his grandfather, that they would feel the arms of the Almighty envelop them as they say good-bye to their precious son and grandson."

Even if you don't know Micah, you need to see a bit of his heart and love for God. I found this post from Micah on his blog dated Jan 4, 2007 (MicahC4JC.blogspot.com):

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The cool thing about all of this unknown when it comes to numbers, and strength, and transplant concerns. I still know that God is in control of it all. Some might be quick to think that God doesn't care, or he should have fixed it by now. But God has not abandoned me, He is not slow. If the miracle comes to fast I might not recognize it, if it comes to quick I might not appreciate it. Is that the reason behind all this time and sand? The promise land is just ahead, around the next corner. If I give up the fight now I and turn bitter and turn on God because it the easy thing, I might never see how close I really was from being out this. Two weeks turns into 40 years.

Job 1:20-22
“At this, Job got up and tore his robe and shaved his head. Then he fell to the ground in worship and said: “Naked I came from my mother’s womb, and naked I shall depart. The LORD gave and the LORD has taken away; may the name of the LORD be praised.” In all this, Job did not sin by charging God with wrongdoing.”

All things work together for God’s glory!

As for me and my house: “We will serve the LORD our God and obey Him.”

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Amen! Please pray.

Sincerely,

Bill



As it says in Psalm 145:3-5 "Great is the Lord! He is most worthy of praise. No one can measure his greatness. Let each generation tell its children of your mighty acts; let them proclaim your power. I will meditate on your majestic glorious spender and your wonderful miracles." He is just Matchless.

The confusion will always be there, but the love I now feel is just so great.

Taking It To The Streets

It has been tough trying to log in to my blogger account for the last 2 days. I finally was able to get on by posting a comment to the blog. Go figure.

The last 2 weeks I've been noticing a real move towards compassionate projects for the homeless within K2 The Church. Not that they were already working on bringing the work of God to them before, but just a more visable effort going on. On Sunday the message was "Taking It To The Streets" and was set up like a David Letterman show, where compassionate project participents were interviewed and they discussed their missions.

K2 has been working in Russia with orphans, the Honduras' on housing, New Orleans rebuilding, with the "Dream Center" a very diversified mission to the refugees here in Salt Lake City from many countries, and of course with the homeless and needy locally. The new term for this is thinking and working "Glocally".

I'll be working of course here on the streets trying to make more people aware of homelessness and how to approach them and work with them. An important part of this will be making members aware of the homeless resources available and where they can help out at and take the work of Jesus.

Tonight there is a meeting at K2 concerning on going projects such as working with the local Rescue Mission, the Sunday meals at the park, and other vital missions and projects that we would like to develop. I'll be presenting an opportunity for members to tour the facilities and resources available to the homeless. Most of these resources are within a 4 block area of the main shelter "The Road Home", and I pray that we can all work together to develop a tour of these facilities all on one Saturday.

I really noticed a need for this during the Superbowl meal we served at the park. Many of the volunteers didn't have much knowledge of where to send people or where they went after the meal. A couple even had real crash courses about homeless people while trying to help out. There are just so many areas in which individuals can volunteer while bringing the work of Jesus to the homeless.

Yea, it's just like the old Doobie Brothers tune "Taking It To The Street", and that is exactly what we plan on doing. This is the start of an opportunity to share my recent love of Jesus and how He has changed my life. The fruit that I bear may be still somewhat green but I do feel that it can be nourishing to those who are still wandering around without purpose.

Sunday night was to be the night to change the subtitle to this blog, but not able to log in, it has remained the same until this morning. I would like to thank everyone for their suggestions and hope you all like the one that was chosen.

Yep, it's time for music once again and today's is kinda special, due to the fact this video contains members of K2 and many who have been instrumental in my new life with purpose. I found it, of course where else, on YouTube.com and was impressed with their work. The song "You are My Joy" is from David Crowder. The video was shot near the Great Salt Lake and many of those appearing play at K2 on Sundays.

The Gift Of Sight

On Thursday night I had the opportunity to share with the Salt Lake City Lions Club on how they were an integral part of my new life. Back in November I was a recipient of a new pair of glasses and a much clearer view of the world around me.

It was an honor to share my story along with briefly mentioning how God has been the main factor in this new life, along with much brighter and clearer vision. I had actually found out that the "Give the Gift Of Sight" program actually donates over 150 thousands glasses a year and over 300 are given out at the shop where received mine. They also donate thousands of used glasses to third world countries. Without these glasses I would have a tough time working on the computer for endless hours. I will pray that this program will continue on and if you have old glasses please donate them to your local Lions Club or a monetary donation will also help others to have good vision.

Yea that's right I'm now working at home and thanks to the Lord for hooking me up with a used computer through a donation. It took a couple of days to get it setup but it was well worth the wait. I've never owned my own computer, this is just so awesome and it would never had happened without faith and trust in God to provide for my needs.

The subtitle to this blog will be changing on Sunday evening so I'm asking again if you have any suggestions please leave them in the comments section or email them to me.

No music today due to no headset to listen, but plan on finding music back here after the weekend.

A Homeless Valentine

Yesterday was a day of Love, Valentines Day, and we were able to share the love of Jesus with nearly 30 ladies from the shelter. Bonnie S. a member of K2 The Church came up with the plan of serving these ladies with a meal and love about a week ago. She had no idea where any of the items needed for this mission would materialize, and through prayer and faith a lovely evening was had.

Many members from K2 gathered at a local resturant, Big City Soup, which donated their services and dining area for the evening, to decorate and prepare a meal. Clothing was brought in, hygene products, pampering products and of course Bibles by the piles. At 7:45 approx. 10 women and 10 men walked a block to escort to their Valentines Day date with the Lord.

It was just so awesome to see their faces light up as we walked in. Many of the women had put on their best (many dresses and suits were donated earlier this week) for their date. There was a gentleman, Gibb, who really caught their attention, and one lady spoke up quickly and stated, "Oh yea I want him to be my escort tonight". As we all became aquainted with eachother while waiting for all of the ladies to show up, you could just see how Jesus was working to calm their nervousness about this night.

We escorted the ladies to the meal, some grabbing ahold of arms of the men available and some wishing just to walk with another lady or maybe even alone. You could just feel their excitement vibrating. They were all seated with other ladies from K2 where endless converstion and love was shared as this was a night for all of the ladies to be loved by Jesus.

Many prayers were said, trust and faith was built up and the Love of Jesus could be felt throughout the night. Tears were shed, smiles grew bigger, and the calmness of Love spread into the air.

As the night came to an end some were reluctant to leave this awesome time, but you could see that Jesus had truly touched many and that His Love was throughly enjoyed. I hope to share some photos of this great event within the next couple of days.

This is the start of many projects that will be happening for the Salt Lake City homeless population. We all are looking forward to helping spread the word of Christ and I for one am excited to see some of these needy people walk into the light of Jesus.

Yea, I've begun to settle into my new diggs, what a change from the homeless lifestyle this is. I can now wake up a jump in the shower while hot coffee is brewing. It is just AWESOME! We nearly have my office setup for my work and today most likely will be the last time I post from here at the UofU library. The U has been very instrumental in my advancement with my new life and I'm very grateful for the use of their library and other facilities which made my life on the streets bearable.

Today I've picked out a song from TobyMac, a christian rap artist, "Burn For You" is really explaining what has begun to be a wonderful journey. You see, I'm a brand new man, and I do want the world to know that I burn for HIM!

This video has all of the words to this song and I hope that it grabs you as much as it has me.



Oh yea, I'm looking for a new subtitle for this blog and if you have any ideas please leave me an email or comment. This journey is only just beginning and I hope to continue sharing it with any and all who come here.

The Last Day

Well a today is the last day that I'll trudge up the hill being homeless. Thanks to the many people who prayed and carry out the work of our Lord I'm moving into a home today.

Hallelujah

I took a few last photos as I walked away with my Detroit Tiger hat on! Yea it will be a real emotional day today. I've got many things to do, like go get a bed!

I'll write more later tomorrow, just have ton to do today.

Love ya Lord!!!

A Low & Old National Homeless Count

This past Friday the National Alliance to End Homelessness (NAEH)released some homeless counts that were from 2005. This is the first national count in more than a decade and yet it still lacks in an accurate count of those of us who live on the street.

I had noticed that the count for here in Utah was at 2,104, which is far below the states average of over 3,800 homeless people.

NAEH also stated that the Bush administration is to develop 150,000 units of housing for people who have been homeless for a long period. This is actually an embarrassment to a country who's wealth is at the top of all throughout the world, and when Veterans of the Iraq war are coming back to find that they to among the homeless. What a shame.

When these counts were done, I'm sure that many of us who were living on the streets were totally ignored. I for one have yet to see or hear anyone ask about a homeless count. The fact is here in Salt Lake City where a few of us camp out, even the local programs fail to acknowledge or come to aid the few camped among the hills.

Yea, the US House of Representatives recently passed a bill to spend $115 million for HUD's homeless assistance grants program. This is paltry compared to the war chest that is being spent and at a time when the oil industry seen there hugest profits.

NAEH stated that the shortage of affordable housing is the main culprit of many people being homeless. Well, I can attest to that, along with once you actually find a source to help get you in a home, the doors are slammed in your face.

I'm still praying that many will get to move in off the streets during this year,and yea I hope to be one soon. I'll also pledge to do my best at working as a advocate by letter writing and speaking to many of the political people who can make a difference.

The homeless numbers reported by NAEH are extremely low and the dollars spent to end the homelessness are a drop in the bucket for this very wealthy country.

Could It Be!

My hopes and dreams for a roof over my head have been a real roller coaster ride for the past couple of weeks. The struggle of trying to convince landlords that I'm worth the risk to rent to was a real challenge and one I pray that I'll never face again.

Will the sub-title of this blog be changed forever in just a few days?

I met with the a person today who attends the same church as I, and it looks real promising. He wants his roommate and I to meet each other just to see if we'll be compatible, but I do feel that the chase for a home is done for at least a few months. This couldn't come at a better time, just when I'm preparing to start working on some type of ministry for the homeless.

During the past few months I've been fed, given drink, clothing, warmth and nursed to health. Those that have seen to my needs during this time must always know that by doing this they were actually do this to Jesus. Just as it says in Matthew 25:35-40 those that have prayed and helped are truly the blessed.

What a great life this is and it is only getting better by the minutes. Three years ago or even just 4 months ago I would have told you that it wasn't possible and that I was destined to just blow away with the dust. Today I can tell you miracles do happen, love is really out there, hope is standing right next to you, and this glorious feeling is just so awesome.

Each day as I learn more of how to live this life as Jesus would, I look forward to sharing it with others. Tonight I ask that you pray for all of those throughout the world that are in need of housing, food, medical, water, clothing or love, that their needs will be met. I also challenge you to go out a become familiar with the homeless needs and to show some compassion by befriending someone in need.

A song from Chris Tomlin just says it all for me tonight.

Awesome Is The LORD Most High!

Another Homeless Struggle

Well, no home yet. It seems that having no rental history for the last three years is slamming the doors on me, and the market here is very demanding.

On Valentines Day I've been ask to help serve a dinner for the ladies who are staying a the shelter. It'll be great to share God on this night and I hope the women will enjoy the meal and love that will be shared with them. I'll also be speaking on Thursday night at a local Lions Club dinner, about their Gift of Sight program. It will be an honor to share with them how much the new eye sight has changed my life and other also.

I do have a possible place to move to this weekend. A guy has just came back from a mission in Russia and he emailed me a couple days ago stating that it may be possible to move into his basement for a few months. I'll be contacting him later on today and pray that this maybe a new place to rest my head.

Today I'm listening to Switchfoot and believing that salvation is here and that I no longer need to run from this life but just embrace it along with Jesus.

A Dark Cloudy Homeless Day

Just when I felt that the light was really going to shine today, it was covered with dark clouds and I still remain homeless.

The apartment property manager I was to meet today at 11 a.m. never showed or answered his phone. He had stated that even with poor credit and no rental history all I needed to do was show him how serious I was. Well after 45 minutes of waiting and a dozen phone calls, I had to abandon that hope once again.

Grabbed the phone and went to work on the search again, after a dozen or so calls, I found another possibility. The girl stated once again they needed an application fee. I bussed out to pick up an advance from the person I work for and his wife took me to the apartment for the viewing. Well, the place was alright, needed some cleaning, but when I asked how soon after putting the application in would I be able to move in. She had told me all they needed to do was verify employment. The girl said it would be a week or so before they would go through the applications. Yep, been there done that to the tune of $60, this time the $20 stayed in my pocket.

Laura and I got busy on the phone once again and after several calls, set an appointment for tomorrow morning.

Yea, I'm still gratefull for Jesus and all He does, but today He sure blocked the light out and things are a bit cloudy. He will still remain my "Strong Tower" just as Kutless sings it.