Thursday, January 11, 2007

The Blame

Well its been a real testing 2 weeks with not much to really get to excited about. Today in fact was a day of real questioning of where I'm going and why. On Tuesday I attended a prayer meeting at K2 The Church and after talking with others and asking for prayer for my housing many offered places for employment. Yea, I thought the stalemate was over and that my progression was going to start back-up. I called one job possibility and was told that he would call back with a time for my training to start. I had also found out that Pastor Andy was at a retreat and would return later that day. I had decided to try and get into housing at the dorms that are available and was hoping that this could be possible before this new cold spell hit. Well, I'm still awaiting call backs after leaving several messages and emails with Andy and the leads on employment seems to going nowhere at this time. I still haven't been able to get an ID or social security card either.

I keep blaming myself for the lack of any real advancement of my current life and begin to wonder if the my past is actually effecting what is going on today in my life. You see its been hard for me to forgive myself of the past and I know that this is a burden on me and is hurting and insulting Jesus. So today I was in a real down mood trying to concentrate was extermely hard for me because I kept asking Jesus what I needed to do and why this was happening. My stomach has just been churning to pieces and now my worrying has grown to its max. I want to succeed so much for Jesus but I'm just feeling like I'm letting Him down.

Wow a phone call.....Good news my day planner has been found, but without the money. Someone had left it at a business entrance sometime last week and they just contacted me. This is one step back into the light. I'll now be able to get my mail tomorrow and work on trying to find employment once again. YIPPEEE, this could not have happened at a better time. Whew, it sure takes a load off of my mind and I'll never second guess Him again.

I guess I can still blame myself for what is going on, because of the isolation that I've been partaking in. Now is the time for friends and I just haven't let them in on what is going on. With this new glimmer of hope tonight I've been able to start thinking constructively and pray that it will continue, I do truely wish to become a servant leader. I want to help others to know God and to show them that there is hope in this life and that once you allow Jesus into your life things do become better.

God has believed in me and He never stopped loving me during my past and now I just can't give up on Him even during this trying time. I must admit I sure had some trying times and the old thoughts of destroying this life was real close but each time I was met with this voice who kept me on the right path and at a moment not to soon. So Lord I thank you for this chance and for not giving up on me. Yea this will and is a great journey and wouldn't be possible without YOU.

If you visit here much you know that music is important to me and I try to share something new each day, well today I'm sharing Rebecca St. James and her song "I Thank You". Each day that I thank Him for this life, it only brings me one step closer to feeling the greatest love you can ever find.

"God saved you by his grace when you believed. And you can't take credit for this; it is a gift from God. Salvation is not a reward for the good things we have done, so none of us can boast about it. For we are God's masterpiece. He has created us anew in Christ Jesus, so we can do the good things he planned for us long ago."
Ephesians 2:8-10 (NLT)

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