Things are starting to level out now, with my housing starting to take place by the first of next week, my day planner back in my possession, and a new job to start possibly tomorrow. Whew, there for a while I was beginning to think that it wasn't going to level out and I was to just keep plummeting into depths unknown. Now its time for me to put more action into my vision of helping others become happy through Jesus.
The new employment opportunity will give me a chance to work at something I enjoy and that is working on the Internet. I'll be researching and placing items on eBay for a local business. Yea, I love the challenge. Just as the Teacher, King David's son stated in Ecclesiastes 3:22 "So I saw that there is nothing better for people than to be happy in their work. That is why we are here! No one will bring us back from death to enjoy life after we die."
The past couple of weeks were tough on me but I believe He now sees that I'm not going to give up and that I truly trust Him with all of my life. It is just so neat to be able to have freedom from the past, freedom to live on in a better life and freedom to reflect His glory. I realize that I'm starting to mature some and that with it comes growing pains that I need to learn how to live with. Even through the tough times the light has become brighter and the journey more enjoyable.
Before I always had an out when things were tough by hiding in the bottles of alcohol, but today I must face these fears, faults, and failures, but I can do so knowing that He is there to show support and strength. So many of us in this world have been on the quick fix method, with instant gratification. God was patient with me, now I need to be patient with Him and learn how to become the servant leader he would love to see. I really yearn to make Him proud.
PBPGINFWMY "Please Be Patient, God Is Not Finished With Me Yet." is from The Purpose Driven Life that actually was on a button that people wore in the past.
Chris Tomlin's song "Wonderful Maker" puts the words right for me today.
I've come down with the gumbo once again but I've the Lord to comfort me. Throughout my life I was the walking lost but today I've seeked out the one who will continue to lead me into the light. Yep 40 plus years of not feeling like I belonged, but today I have purpose, love, and all of the treasures one could wish for. Today I'll give you a bit of my past.
I was born in Indiana where at the age of 4 was left by my mother at my grandparents and she never returned taking a brother 1 year younger with her. My father, well, he was traveling the rodeo circuit and was only there for my birthday and Christmas. The grandparents worked a dairy farm and raised me the best they knew how but I was lost at an early age trying to figure out where I belonged. The drugs and alcohol started at an early age of 14 years old and continued on until just 3 months ago. I found myself unable to hold jobs or stay in one spot for any length of time. I moved to Utah at the age of 17 after graduating HS, to snow ski and have always considered this to be home.
At the age of 21 I returned to Michigan to try and live there and found myself in a hospital not being able to cope with life. I talked with my family and stated I wanted to see my brother and mom, a meeting was setup. My mom came to the hospital where I told her that I wanted to see Greg. Well she told me he knew nothing of me and she was not going to tell him. Well, I became angry and walked out never to talk with her again.
The next 20 years found me back in Utah and I spent a couple of years working out of Seattle on a fishing boat that fished the Bering Sea. Of course alcohol once again destroyed this opportunity and I came back to Utah. In 2000 I quit my drugging but kept of drinking and not able to hold on to a job. In 2003 I found myself on the streets and just not caring to live anymore. I've had my ups and downs out here during the last 3 years but started to get familiar with God during this time. I knew there was something missing in my life but not able to cope with it. During this time I did forgive my mom for leaving me. My brother has since contacted our dad after finding out about us while trying to get an passport. I still haven't talked with him but feel that it will soon be time.
Well on November 11th my whole life started to change. While I was at my hillside camp, I told God that He could have all of me and that I was tired of trying to do things my way. Since this time I feel like I belong, that I'm not just wandering around aimlessly. Oh, I'm still homeless but I'm now a person with love and feel loved. All of this has been made possible by loving God. I'm thankful that for the sacrafice of Jesus so that I can become clean and will live on in eternity. I may be homeless today but I do have a permanent home that is always there.
With my family being split apart I recently have begun to hope that we all can be reunited just for one day. I haven't been home to see my grandparents or family for over 6 years and will be trying to get there sometime next month. You see, my grandparents are 89 and 91 years old and each time I call (weekly), I can hear it in their voice that they miss me and want to see me. They keep reminding me they're getting old. My granny can't hear well so when we talk she does the talking then sobbing gives the phone to grandfather saying she is unable to hear me. I also want to share my love for God and to ask them to allow Him into there life so that they also may have eternal life. I'm going to call up Greg, my brother next week, hopefully we can get together when I go back to visit the family. And I actually would like to see my mom sometime also just to tell her that I forgive her and so does God.
Well that's where things stand now. I'm no longer lost. I have a new path and direction and through Jesus this has all been made possible. Through seeking out God, I've a new life, love, hope, family and smiles. My best friend, He is always there when I call up, never to busy to comfort me, doesn't have to look at His schedule to set an appointment, is willing to trust me and love me know matter what I've done in the past. Its GREAT!!!!
Lord Forgive Me When I Whine
Today, upon a bus, I saw a lovely girl with golden hair, I envied her...she seemed so gay..and wished I were as fair. When suddenly she rose to leave, I saw her hobble down the aisle; She had one leg and wore a crutch, but as she passed...a smile! Oh, God forgive me when I whine, I have two legs. The world is mine.
I stopped to buy some candy. The lad who sold it had such charm. I talked with him. He seemed so glad. If I were late t'would do no harm. And as I left he said "I thank you . You have been so kind It's nice to talk with folks like you. "You see" he said "I'm blind." Oh, God forgive me when I whine , I have two eyes. The world is mine.
Later while walking down the street, I saw a child with eyes of blue. He stood and watched the others play. He did not know what to do. I stopped a moment and said "Why don't you join the others, dear?" He looked ahead without a word, and then I knew he could not hear. Oh, God forgive me when I whine. I have two ears. The world is mine.
With feet to take me where I'd go, with eyes to see the sunset glow, with ears to hear what I would know...Oh, God forgive me when I whine, I'm blessed indeed, the world is mine.
Author Unknown
Today is National Homeless Memorial Day, a day to pay our respects to the homeless who died during the past year. I'll try to post more about the last few days in The Purpose Driven Life sometime tomorrow.
Today I've a song from Casting Crowns that says it all for me.
Today was a real test from God. He tested my patience and my will to stand tall and work for what He intends me to have.
I accomplished more today than in the past few months. After leaving my safe spot at the university library, I was able to retrieve my mail which included my new state ID card (the other was lost) and a small check from a Internet phone service sale that was made back in August. With the $$ I went on a mission to purchase a cell phone charger which will help me in my search for a job.
Oh yea, as I had stated yesterday, I've had a change of direction. I believe God wants me to stay on here in Salt Lake City to start working on what He has planned for me. I'm not sure what it is He has in mind for me but I will leave it up to Him, while I continue on working to put my life in order.
Back to the phone charger mission, I went to the Cingular store where I purchased the phone, and was told they had no chargers for a Sony Ericson but a store a few blocks away did. I grabbed the train and went to pick it up, but low and behold I was told the same story at this Cingular store. The clerk told me my best option was the Radio Shack around the corner. Yes this is where God was trying my patience. I asked the clerk why sell the phone if you don't carry the accessories and was told "I'm not sure why." Off I go to the Radio Shack, another wild goose chase, and I found a huge brick of a charger, the iGO, that you purchase plus you need to buy an adapter to fit your phone (total $40). I returned to the 2nd Cingular store and ask if they would please find me a proper charger for me. One phone call and 30 seconds later this clerk had me on my way back to just a block from the 1st Cingular store.
By this time I'm getting upset and tired from carrying my backpack full of dirty laundry. I walked back to this small repair shop and the guy had a sony ericson knockoff charger. Oh well, it was only $15, a $25 savings. YES! I just hope it will last until I'm able to afford a regular cell phone plan instead of my current pre-paid plan.
It was now 5pm and I needed to do the stinky and mildewy laundry. After 2 hours of watching and waiting for the washer and dryer to stop I had fresh smelling clothes. COOL! Now all I need is a good old scrubbing myself.
I will be going to the University eye clinic tomorrow to see if they have any donated glasses that may help my vision. The trees currently all look like huge shrubs without limbs. I also will work on getting my social security card replaced and will go to an AA meeting.
It has been cool, that God has been showing me a new path and the courage to start walking down it. I'm sure He has some kind of employment in mind for me so I'll be keeping my ears open to what He tells me.
Tonight I found a great little java script that will enable you to have a daily bible verse on your blog or website from Lord of Hosts Verse of the Day . You can see what one of their scripts look like at the top of this blog index. Another great option is that you can also get the verse of the day on your mobile phone.
Man, I'm whip and need to go take a shower, after which I'll climb the hill to my camp and damp sleeping bag to grab a good nights rest.
When moving off the streets many people are faced with living in what is called crack motels. These weekly rentals are sometimes the way to getting off the street, and it may be an option for me when I get enough money (Forgetaboutit!). I found an interesting video today that has nothing to do with what is going on in my life recovery but alot to do with what I hear each day in my head. It's called "Weekly Rate Motel Sounds" .
I've lived in them before when I was on the crack (6 years ago) and hope that I never set foot in one again. Each of these Crack Motels are havens for drug users, prostitution and other crime related persons, but some who may live in them do survive the conditions and go on to lead normal lives. Please Lord, I need a safe place to start this new life.
I've already made a couple of attempts to gain access to rehabilitation programs in Seattle by emailing the City Team Ministries and The Compass Center . Both of these organization have christian based programs which I found through a Seattle.gov search. I'm not sure what kind of response I'll receive since I'm not living on the streets in Seattle, but I believe this may be a step int the right direction. (Currently living on the streets of Salt Lake City.)
I also found another program that may be of interest called Fare Start, who educates those of us who are unfortunate and recovering from the past of drugs and alcohol. I think this would be great in providing me or others the opportunity to learn a trade. (I haven't had a steady job last longer than 1 year in the last 30 years.)
I looked at the weather report today and found that I shouldn't wake up to snow for the rest of the week. I do have a couple of problems tonight and that is trying to get into my camp without others spotting my trail and hoping that my bag didn't soak itself through while being in the stuff sack. I do have some dry clothes in a locker at the University and will dress warm just to be prepared for a possible soggy sleeping bag.
Man, this writing and learning how to change the Blogger template has actually helped me gain some self esteem today. I may even trundle into the city tomorrow to check my mail and find out if there are any day labor jobs.
The hardest part for the last few days has been trying to think positive and get myself out of this depressed state of mind.
Not sure where I'm headed with this yet but hope it’s in the direction of turning my life over to a new start.
After 30 plus years of alcohol abuse and living on the edge of totally losing meaning of life, I'm going to try and change it. Shit, it’s been only an uphill battle and now I'm not sure where it's headed.
I'm living outside on the hillside, homeless, above Salt Lake City. Today I found myself covered with nearly 4 inches of snow, but still warm in my sleeping bag. I really don't know where to turn, but I figure any change of direction will be a plus.
I've really burnt tons of bridges during my years and when I stop to figure out who my friends are, I find myself not able to think of one. I'm contemplating going into a long term rehabilitation program but not sure where to go. Today I'm looking at Seattle as a chance to gain a fresh start with the possibility of God entering into my life. Man this whole view may change in just a few hours after I start researching where to go and where to start at.
I hope to add daily posts here about how and where my life is going. Yea, kinda like those reality shows everyone watches. (What a waste, if you want a reality show become acquainted with your neighbors!) If you have suggestions about where to go for help or are able to help me get into a program in the Seattle area please leave me a comment.
Formally homeless (2/13/07) in Salt Lake City, Utah and working to put my life on the path of God and the road to alcoholism recovery. Current mission is taking God's work to the streets for the homeless and needy. Working on a new non-profit to begin the spring of 2009. Watch here for further details.
